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# I Wanted to Heal, A Reflection- November 10, 2023
- URL: https://orange-healing.ghost.io/i-wanted-to-heal-a-reflection-november-10-2023/
- Published: 2025-05-30T11:31:36.000Z
- Updated: 2025-09-27T11:12:13.000Z
- Author: Summer
- Tags: My Story, living with ataxia

### **I Remember That Day — November 10, 2023**

I remember that day so clearly.  
November 10th, 2023.  
I kept repeating one thing to myself: *“I want to heal.”*

![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/ca/03/ca032d74-9630-400f-80a1-f554b6f44070/content/images/2025/09/unnamed.jpg)

"I want to heal. Six months have passed."

But what was I actually doing to heal? Honestly… I didn’t know.

I was just angry. Deeply frustrated.  
Especially at my tremors — they were ruining me.

I used to think that doing one hour of physiotherapy a day would somehow be enough. I was living in complete ignorance. I didn’t really understand what healing truly meant.

I was like a newborn baby — crying all the time, restless, wanting everything right away.  
That mindset was exhausting me. I had no gratitude for what I still had.

But healing doesn’t work that way. I only learned that much later.

Back then, I also didn’t know I had **cerebellar atrophy**.  
I believed everything was “just psychological” and that one day I would simply snap out of it. I blamed myself constantly. I put so much pressure on myself — as if pressure alone could magically fix me.

But of course, it didn’t.  
It only made me feel worse.  
My tremors — the very thing I hated the most — kept getting worse.

I still remember trying to write that one note I once showed you a picture of… it took me so long to write it clearly. Every word demanded such an effort. I was so fixated on my hands.

I found an old journal entry on that day. It said:

*"Today, I worked with my physiotherapist on arm and hand exercises. But I’m not really in the mood. I just practiced hand movements and played with Legos."*

That day, my therapist had asked me:  
*"Write down the biggest problems you’re having with your hands. We’ll work on them together."*

And this is what I had written:

- Pumping water from a large water dispenser
- Drinking from a small coffee cup
- Typing quickly on the keyboard
- Washing my face without my hands shaking
- Handling slippery things like soap — I lose control easily
- Turning pages — very difficult
- Eating when I’m tired — my hands shake badly

Now when I read this list… can you believe it?  
I can do **every single one** of those things now.

It took me a long time to reach this point.  
I had to learn a lot.  
I had to accept a lot.

And I worked so, so hard.  
Every day, I pushed through with sheer determination.  
I kept saying: *“I will overcome this.”*

> "Healing is not about going back to who you were. It’s about becoming someone stronger than you ever imagined."

And today… here I am:

- I can pump water from a dispenser
- I can hold a coffee cup easily
- I can type quickly
- I can wash my face without fear
- I can use soap
- I can turn pages
- I can eat with ease — even when tired

When I think back to those early days, I can’t even blame myself.  
Because when you don’t know what you’re facing, everything seems dark.

But now — things are different.  
Now I can see my progress.  
And I know, deep in my heart, that I will continue to get even better.

One day soon, I know I will write here:

*“I’m doing great. Everything is behind me.”*

And I truly believe — that day is coming.